Expressions

How Do You Mend a Broken Heart? Dealing with Grief

  

I know I will never be the same after losing my mother.  Every thing that happens in my life still makes me yearn for her, to tell her about my day or ask her opinion, to see her smile, to hug her, to smell her perfume.  Most of all, I miss her voice, which was always filled with such love and laughter, and I miss her spirit, which was curious and happy and beautiful.

Life goes on, but as of yet, it isn’t as shiny or as bright as it was when she was here. I hope that someday that changes, and that I can feel the joy I used to feel, but the grief is still overwhelming to me.  It has been some time since she left us, but it only feels like a day.  

L1030952a

© 2013 Group G Enterprises, LLC

When I talk with friends and family who have also experienced the loss of a loved one, they too acknowledge this is as normal, and agree that grief can hit you at the oddest moments, even years later.  One friend shared that she was in her car on a normal day, just going about her business, when a song came on the radio that reminded her of her mother and she burst into tears in the middle of the freeway.  It has been seven years since her mother’s death, but she still feels that deeply about the loss.

I also have grief as a result of my illness. I lost parts of myself. I lost the life that I knew and the one I thought I would have.  My world now has irrevocably changed in a million different ways.  Many things happened at once, and there was no time to process it.  Now that it is all over, I am looking inward to mourn those things and move forward. 

How am I doing that? Well, sometimes I feel like I am not doing well at grieving at all.  Other times, I just give myself a few moments to reflect, feel sad, and try to keep going.  I feel like I need to really experience it, feel it deeply and take the time to honor those emotions.  I don’t want to stuff it down and have it explode on me later.  It is probably not the most pleasant for those around me, but I hope it is temporary. 

One thing that seems to help me is to write down what I am feeling.  Sometimes, just getting things off my chest can make me feel better, even if I am only writing it to myself (or to you!).  Another thing I do is exercise.  Even if it is just a walk around the neighborhood with my dog, I try to take a moment to be grateful that I am able to do that, because there were moments in the last few years where I could barely walk a few steps.  A little sunshine, a talk with a good friend, watching something funny on TV, a hug from my sweetheart – all of this helps.  I also pray.  You just have to do the best that you can, one day at a time.

I know I’m lucky.  I made it through my illness.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t have wistful moments of how it used to be.  That also doesn’t mean that I am not grateful for what I have now.  It’s a process, and it takes time.

©2013 A/E. Harrigan

MNU had the opportunity to speak with psychologist Dr. Robynne Rudin, Ph.D., about grief.  She gave us some insight on how to move through it to get to a different place.

What is the best thing to say to someone who has experienced a traumatic loss?

There is no one best thing to say to someone who is grieving. Asking how the person is doing and what they need are good starts. It can be so helpful to express your sorrow for their loss, as well as mention that they are in your thoughts and prayers. Even saying nothing can be helpful; just be with the person. What you don’t want to say is: “I know how you feel” because that can be invalidating.

What are the stages of grief?

The Stages of Grief as set out by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross are:

Denial                      “This can’t be happening.”

Anger                       “Why is this happening? Why do this to me?”

Bargaining               “I’ll never do X again if you make this not be happening.  I promise.”

Depression               “I’m so sad. I can’t go on.”

Acceptance              “I accept that this has happened.”

It is important to keep in mind that these are common responses to loss. But there is no ‘typical’ loss or response to it. Everyone is different.

 How long does it last?

Each person processes loss differently. Therefore, it is hard to say how long a person’s grieving might last. We can say that, typically, the most difficult part is usually the first year or two after the loss. Research has found that one of the best predictors of successful, healthy grieving is having a close confiding relationship with at least one person, whether it is a friend, or even a therapist. Additionally, grieving can’t be forced or hurried. In fact, that can make the process tougher and take longer.

What are some tools to get through it?

There are a lot of wonderful tools out there to help people through the grieving process. Some of them include: grief counseling, support groups, books and workbooks, and having and leaning on a close network of friends and family members. Perhaps one of the most important tools is to give yourself the space to just be, which can be a challenge for some, but so very helpful. It is important to not give in to the often-strong desire to avoid feeling, engage in compulsive behaviors, minimize feelings, overly engage in avoidance, and even self-medicate. Those ways truly just make it worse.

How do people process grief differently?

Just as people have different personality traits and coping styles, so, too, can their grieving be different. If we think of a continuum, with one end being complete distraction and avoidance of the grief and the other end being complete immersion in it, people would fall on different points on that continuum. In most cases, finding one’s healthy spot in the “gray area,” or middle part, is the ideal. If you really tune in and listen to your heart, you will find that place for yourself.

What can someone do to get through the “Year of Firsts” when dealing with the loss of a loved one?

The first year following a loss is typically the most difficult one. There are anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and the like, when strong feelings of the loved one can be evoked. It is very important to be kind and patient with oneself during this tough time. Mindfulness, leaning on support, planning ahead, preparation, and thinking about ways to honor your loved one are very helpful ways to get through the “Year of Firsts.”

What can be done to help someone who is grieving?

The best way to help someone who is grieving is to listen, in my opinion. Many people don’t know what to do or say to a person who is grieving. It is ok to ask what the person needs or wants. Sometimes they want to actively grieve, but sometimes, too, they just want to have “regular” conversations. Additionally, staying in touch regularly can be very meaningful, as people often drop off after some undetermined amount of time because they assume the person should be “over it already.”

How can people who are grieving find help?

A person can ask their doctor for a referral for a psychologist specializing in grief, or they can call their health insurance customer service number. Resources can also be found in the phone book or online (such as grief support groups in your area).

How can we take care of ourselves while grieving?

There are many ways to take care of yourself when grieving. Going to therapy, journaling, exercising, and allowing yourself to “feel your feelings” are so important in order to grieve in a healthy way and in as thorough a way as possible. Some people also find comfort in seeking out spiritual support.

How is depression different from grief and how can you tell which one you are experiencing?

The symptoms of grief and depression can be similar. Grief often involves sadness, guilt, anger, fear, or even physical symptoms, to name a few. Often the main difference between the two is that a person who is grieving is able (after a period of time) to at least have glimmers of happiness and pleasure, whereas a clinically depressed person usually cannot. If a person is not feeling better over time or if grief is getting worse, Major Depression can develop. If you recognize any symptoms of clinical depression (such as extreme hopelessness, intense guilt or self-blame, inability to perform daily activities, or even suicidal thoughts), call a mental health professional right away.

What is happening when you feel like you cannot grieve?

In my opinion, our minds and hearts are very protective. If we know that we are not trying to engage in avoidance or denial, it may be that we’re not ready yet to deal with the loss, that the feelings are just too strong. Then, it is important to just focus on getting through each day, one day at a time. If you listen to your heart, you will know when you are ready to move on to the next phase, dealing with your grief, and ultimately moving beyond it.

Is it normal to be grieving years after the loss?

Remember, there is no one “normal” way to grieve. The whole reason that we are grieving is that we have lost a person or a piece of ourselves that we really cared about. Part of that sadness or missing of that person or how it was before will never go away. It will always hold a place in your heart. Usually after one to two years, however, the clouds feel more like they are moving away, and moments of happiness or even of feeling like your old self happen more and more. You start feeling not quite so raw and shattered. If, however, the extreme feelings or symptoms continue after one year, it is time to seriously think about getting outside help by someone trained in helping a person who is grieving.

Grieving is difficult. We must remember, however, that if the person was not important to us, we wouldn’t be missing them as we do or feeling it so strongly.  Likewise, your life before your loss, whatever that may be,  is something else we might yearn for and wish to be different. The grief work, though, is so important. If you don’t give yourself the space to grieve, it can impede or slow down the healing process. You can make it through this. A trained professional can greatly assist you in this life process.

splash 2

 

To learn more about Dr. Rudin and her practice, contact her office at 310.302.0030.
 

If you feel a licensed therapist would be of assistance to you, contact your healthcare provider or your primary care physician for a referral. You can also join a support group, talk to your clergyman, or a trusted friend or loved one.

If you are of the Christian faith, we recommend GriefShare, which has a series of daily emails that provide comfort and encouragement for 365 days from the time that you sign up.  Filled with personal stories and suggestions with how to deal with grief, these daily devotionals help to ease the long process of recovery.  Sign up here > 

There are many ways to get help.  You don’t have to go it alone.  Good luck and remember to be good to yourself.

 

-AK