Expressions

How to Ask the Hard Questions


If you are struggling with asking very hard questions to your doctor or employer, read on.  We all have moments where we aren’t sure we understand what is going on or what is happening next, and we might have doubts that we should press further.  The answer is, you must, for you or for the loved one you are helping. Here’s how…

 

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We all know it is hard to ask difficult questions sometimes.  We don’t want to look like we don’t understand or don’t already know, and we don’t want to be rude or disrespectful.  At the same time, we have to be our own best advocates.  If we don’t ask for ourselves or our loved ones, who will?  If it is your doctor or your employer, these situations can be truly stressful in times of crisis, but it doesn’t have to be if you are prepared.

 

 

 

 

DOCTOR

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If you need some help in asking the tough questions of your doctor when you are diagnosed, starting treatment, wrapping things up, or moving into maintenance, here are a few to start:

  • Why do I need this?
  • Why this treatment vs. that one?
  • Why did you select this treatment program for me?
  • How long will it last?
  • What are the side effects?
  • How will we know it is working?
  • What should I be doing?
  • What should I not be doing?
  • How do I care for my compromised immune system?
  • What happens if I can’t get my treatment?
  • What happens now that treatment is over?
  • How will we know everything is going okay?
  • What are the parameters from here on out?
  • What supplements and vitamins should I be taking?
  • What is the optimal amount I should weigh?
  • Is there anything I should not do (alcohol, smoking, etc.)?
  • What would success look like to you?
  • Should I get a second opinion (yes!!)

 

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So what happens next?  That’s up to you.  Here are some lessons we learned that proved helpful to us – we hope they help you, too!

  1. Before you go to a doctor, really sit and think about all of your questions.  You’ve likely already done some research on your condition and looking through that information probably created some questions that you would like answered.
  2. If you don’t ask the questions, the doctor won’t know to answer them.  You have to be strong enough to be your own best advocate and ask, even if it is uncomfortable.
  3. If it’s about money/payment/charges or even if it is as dicey as how the condition will affect you sexually (money and sex, two things we typically have difficulty discussing), ask.  There is likely nothing that the doctor has not already heard from someone else.  And really, at this point, what do you have to lose?
  4. When I was going to at a few different doctors several times in a month, I just made a running list of questions for each of them.  Then I didn’t have the stress afterwards of wishing I had asked a particular question and trying to call their office and get it answered.
  5. Also, when you have multiple doctors, it’s hard enough to keep everything straight, so the more you can keep track of, the better.  Write it down!  You aren’t going to remember two weeks later what your oncologist said you would be feeling like in two weeks.
  6. It truly helps to have someone come with you who can write your conversation down for you, while you are discussing your questions with your doctor.  You can’t listen, process it and write it down at the same time.  Or record the conversation on your phone if your doctor is okay with that.

 

If you are a caregiver, then you might have to ask the questions that the patient cannot.  It might be that you speak to the doctor in private so that you can really assess the true brevity of the situation, or it may be that the doctor needs you to help the patient understand the reasons for a particular piece of direction.  It will also benefit you to be fully briefed on all aspects of what is happening, which may not need to be divulged to the patient so that they can focus solely on the next step before them without worrying about the big picture.

 

EMPLOYER

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Did you know that you can check with your employer about the Family and Medical Leave Act?  Asking your Human Resources department about this program should not affect your employment status, so give it a shot.  You could get paid time off to deal with your situation and have your job to go back to when it is over. *This may very by employer and/or state, so we respectfully add a disclaimer that you absolutely should check with your Human Resources department on what is available to you and supported by your company.

The FMLA “entitles eligible employees of covered employers to take unpaid, job-protected leave for specified and medical reasons with continuation of group health insurance coverage under the same terms as if the employee had not taken leave.” Employees are entitled to 12 workweeks of leave in a 12 month period for:

  • a serious health condition that makes the employee unable to perform the essential functions of his or her job
  • to care for the employee’s spouse, child or parent who has a serious health condition

 

This is really helpful in a million different ways.  When my mother was going through her harshest chemo treatments, she was able to get time off from her company and focus on getting through it and getting better, without having to worry about her high-stress job.

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For my husband, this was such a relief.  He wasn’t always able to leave work to go with me to my chemo treatments. The FMLA helped us to schedule the days he could go and have someone else cover off on the days he would not be able to accompany me.  This also helped us on the surgery days and those crucial first few days after, where I really needed help.

Bottom line, don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions. You must be brave because you are talking about the most important thing in your life – you!

 

 -AK

 

©2014 Group G Enterprises, LLC