Curveballs & Boomerangs by Amy F.

Amy F. returns with the latest episode in her ongoing struggle with chronic illness. 

Ready for the benefit. Thanks to PAGE Beauty for making me look great on the outside to help mask feeling like garbage on the inside.

Hello everyone!  Know that I said I would be posting monthly but you know how it is with those recurring illnesses, best intentions and all.  It’s like life throws you a curve ball and you have to just go with it.  However, in my case I feel like it’s always more like a boomerang.  Not the nice easy throw like a day in the park where you toss it out and it comes and lands back in your hands.  Nope, more like the cartoon version where you throw it out and it comes back and smacks you on the back of the head.  Yeah, that’s more my style unfortunately.

My initial follow-up was going to discuss in more detail my dealings with pancreatitis – from how it started and what it means for me living with it.  But then that boomerang hit and after much internal debate, I felt it was more honest for you and for me to share what I am going through now.  There is a relation as this is hopefully associated to something that was causing me issues with my pancreas monthly, but a bit more than I had originally expected.  And for those of you who know me, I have kept what has been going on pretty close to the vest as I have felt it hard to share, so please don’t be upset if this is the first that you’re hearing about it.  I only now feel ok to talk more about it and that’s even a stretch as I’m still going through it.  But I am writing now not only to help others dealing with the same situation, but also because I am looking to you, our followers and readers to help me with support and input this time to help me to work through things.

I was first finally diagnosed with recurring pancreatitis in 2010 after many months of testing.  On one hand, that little adjective “recurring” means that I can get a flare up at any time.  On the other, I have had several procedures and made lifestyle adjustments to keep those recurrences at bay or at least to a minimum.  Unfortunately, there was still one elusive problem that after almost three years of testing the doctors still could not resolve.  For two weeks out of every month leading up to my period, I would get severe pancreatitis symptoms that would then pass after my period ended.  SPOILER ALERT – guys, gonna be some “girl stuff” in this post so if you can’t man up and deal with hearing about what could happen to a female in your life, you may want to stop reading now.  I hope you don’t as I’m looking for your feedback later and you never know someone you know could be dealing with some of the things I’m going to get into that this could help you help them.

A quick bit of background on me that will make sense as I go on.  When I was nine years old I had a cyst on my right ovary that was the size of a grapefruit and strangled both my ovary and fallopian tube and they had to be removed.  At age 25, I had a cyst on my left ovary that due to my history, the doctors removed but still left me with a partial ovary for potential childbirth later on.  So I have a past history of issues with female anatomy and now monthly issues that have some correlation due to their repeat timing each month but no known answers as to why.  Basically for almost three years I have been living with one and a half to two good weeks a month and the rest garbage with no answers in sight.

Went to Denver a few days later for some meetings that I ended up never making.  Instead, the first day there I ended up in the ER fearing a flare up due to the stress and then when things got worse, was admitted the next day and stayed until they could get me stable enough to fly home.  Only problem, all of my pancreatitis indicators were normal so what was going on?  Two days after returning home, I ended up back in the ER where they did a CT scan and found that I had a cyst growing on what was left of my left ovary.  While in Denver the week before they had also done a CT and saw some early signs but nothing formed yet so I knew this wasn’t something to mess around with due to my past history and how quickly it had grown.

 I went to my gynecologist who did an ultrasound and confirmed the cyst.  And now came the tough part.  After all that I knew of my fertility issues, I had known that it was going to be difficult for me to conceive or carry a child through standard means.  Add to that all of the testing, drugs, surgeries, etc. that I went through for my pancreas and all of that did not make me feel too positive about my body being prime real estate for a baby.  So great, all well and good while it’s a mental thing, but boomerang time now being left without much of an option.  My left ovary had to be removed and then through process of elimination, there was no reason to keep my fallopian tube, uterus or cervix, especially if by removing them, I could hopefully eliminate whatever we hadn’t been able to find out was causing my pancreas issues every month.  I mean, no cycle, nothing to cause flare ups, right?  Seems like a good trade to get those two weeks back every month.

Mid-February, I underwent a complete hysterectomy (and yes for those keeping track, I’m probably pretty close to hollow inside as far as main organs go by now but again, not recommended as a weight loss plan).  I joke but while my head knew this was what had to be done and all of the right reasons, this was it, no going back, no do over, no potential for magic potion, game over in terms of me ever being able to conceive or give birth to a child of my own.  And yes I know that there are other ways of becoming a mother, but as someone who has wanted to be one for a very long time this just cut the odds way back.  Especially added to the fact that I am 43, single (and no prospects that I know of) and currently not high on the requirements checklist for adoption, has made this harder that I can even explain. 

Surgery is done and I’m still going through the physical healing with some unexpected issues to still deal with but the emotional part is definitely nowhere near being under control.  Not that I would expect that my heart could reconcile with what my head has known for a while that quickly – and the hormone side effects don’t help either. But here is the part where I am looking to all of you for support.  Other women in my shoes, how did you deal with the unexpected becoming an immediate reality and all of the fall out (especially those who don’t already have children)?  And guys, looking to you for some feedback too please as I have no idea going into dating or new relationships how all of this is going to go over.  Obviously if the guy can’t deal with my situation, then screw him; he’s not worth it anyway.  But this is something that is so inherently a poignant female issue that I would really love to have a male perspective on everything – even suggestions on how you would feel comfortable with even addressing the situation with someone you were starting to date, especially if you want children yourself.

So there’s the latest on me, now I turn it back to you, our readers, followers, friends, family, etc., please feel free to share with others, that’s the whole purpose.  We are here to help and support you and hopefully this will help to make the site one that is further beneficial to all of us as we continue on in our journey of what is our new usual. 

Please leave your comments for Amy F. below – she wants to hear from you!